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uk.telecom.voip (UK VOIP) (uk.telecom.voip) Discussion of topics relevant to packet based voice technologies including Voice over IP (VoIP), Fax over IP (FoIP), Voice over Frame Relay (VoFR), Voice over Broadband (VoB) and Voice on the Net (VoN) as well as service providers, hardware and software for use with these technologies. Advertising is not allowed.

Voipfone launch the world's first Internet Telepathy service.

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Old April 1st 06, 12:15 AM posted to uk.telecom.voip
[email protected]
external usenet poster
Posts: 1
Default Voipfone launch the world's first Internet Telepathy service.

Today Voipfone introduced the first product developed from its
ground-breaking Enhanced Subscriber Protocol (ESP). This unreal-time
protocol is an unusual Layer Eight application which, although still in
an early beta phase, is already making remarkable improvements in
Customer Relations and Productivity (CRAP).

With the correct training, Voipfone's customer service staff are now
actually able to understand a customer's problem just by reading
their emails.

Rosy Lee, Director of Stuff To Understand & Do (STUD) commented
"It's extraordinary, for the first time we can make sense out of
the garbled and useless information our customers present us with when
they have a problem. It's a real breakthrough. Now we actually know
what the problem is when a customer just says 'it doesn't work,
what should I do?'

"Of course we still can't help them, but it's good to really feel
their anger first hand" he chuckled.

He's also expecting to achieve large operational efficiency gains
"If I'm honest" he lied "we no longer need to buy that
expensive tea any more - no more gazing at Lapsang Souchong and Earl
Grey leaves just to figure out a customer's Sipura configuration
file. Builder's Brew Bags are all we use now".

The break-through was made by the typically modest Shirley Timwell,
Director of Serendipity Services & Applications (DOSSA) for Voipfone,
"If I'm honest" he mimicked "it was an accident. I was setting
up the Voipfone presence server and I just misspelled it. When I
rebooted, we had Prescience™ - and the rest is history, or future,
or something"

Squadron Leader Clare Airborne, high flying Secretary General of ITPSA
(the Internet Telepathy & Psychic Services Association) said "This is
a fantastic development. Voipfone has very generously given us a Pro
version of the software which means we can accurately predict when they
will pay their subscription fees. It's disappointing knowledge to
have of course, but at least we now know the worst."

Intuit, digerati and conference raconteur eRabbi Kitty, chairman of the
reformed ICSTIS (Internet Clairvoyance Systems & Telephony by Intuition
Society), said "I really didn't see this coming, but you can bet
I'm going to form a European working group on it".

At first he was worried about how the conference circuit - to which has
dedicated so much of his life - would respond to the break-though,
worrying "they'll all know what I'm going to say won't they?"
But he quickly realised that as people only go to conferences to rack
up the air miles, nothing much has changed. "it's fantastically
efficient now - I don't even bother speaking anymore, which, to be
honest" he winked engagingly "is a blessing all round. We all just
swop business cards, do our expenses claims, eat the canapés, grin at
each other and get down to the beach as fast as we can."

Austin Healey MGB & G&T, of Ofcom (Office of complications), is
consulting, well, everybody and is deeply concerned about, well
everything, but expects clear labelling will almost certainly be the
answer to, well, pretty much everything.

He predicted "We do think that so long as a customer knows his mind
will be read at the point of sale all will be well. You can be sure
that we're taking soundings from Mystic Meg about the long term
competitive aspects of this and will publish a consultative document
when BT tell us we can. Rest assured, consumers are very much on our
minds; or will be, apparently."

The Cable companies were unavailable for comment today as, having never
anticipated any technological development since the twin tub washing
machine, and still finding digital watches overly complex, they were
just hoping that the day would turn out nice again.

Colin Duffy, CEO (Clowning & Entertainments Officer) of Voipfone,
declined to be interviewed saying, "Don't ask me about this stuff;
they never tell me anything, all I do is apologise to our customers
when it all goes tits up during implementation"

Terms & Conditions will almost certainly apply.


Notes to editors

Voipfone is an internet telephone service provided by Inet Telecoms
Ltd, a London-based company which was formed to develop the latest
voice over internet technologies for Small Businesses. It aims to
challenge the traditional telecoms companies' grip on the market by
offering low cost, high quality services that have more advanced
features than the old public switched telephone network (PSTN).

VoIP (Voice over Internet Protocol) is a way of making telephone calls
over the internet without needing to use the traditional telephone
networks. Calls to other users of this technology are free, no matter
where the caller and called party are in the world.

For further information, please contact:

Colin Duffy, Inet Telecoms Ltd
Tel: 00 44 (0)20 7043 5555

Old April 1st 06, 12:39 AM posted to uk.telecom.voip
Steve @ Aceinternet
external usenet poster
Posts: 35
Default Voipfone launch the world's first Internet Telepathy service.

wrote in message

Today Voipfone introduced the first product developed from its
ground-breaking Enhanced

April fool #1

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